Got a 6am flight later. Going to USA
Wifey and little one are settled in in-laws.
I am back home to rest. Running a fever after dinner and felt terrible. I hope my temp comes down enough to let me go up the plane. Still, going on long haul in this state will be terrible. Have to tough it out.
Home is empty now. Dumped some sheets into washer just now and waiting. Tidied up the room and lockdown it since it will be vacant for a few days.
Having some feelings swelling up as I looked at this house. The toys, the stuff that wifey bought last few days to make bean curd dessert. These look like unimportant things as we worked daily slogging long hours with our job. But these are the most important things!
I had been blindly working at my job and although I see my wife and kid everyday, put kid to sleep daily, things just are happening too fast to allow time to appreciate and smell these roses of life, that are passing through me. I just feel ashamed and guilty somehow, guilty of selfishly pursuing career while the most important people, people who matters at end of day, are not getting the love and attention they would like from me. I just waste energy on many things.
Going on a long distance trip and being away from them at such long distances really sink in these feelings and make them appear stronger. Separation makes heart fonder, its TRUE.
Slowing down is an option, but in competitive world, it is harder to do. The urge to make more money to provide is natural. I just have to work smarter and plan and manage finances better so I don't end up empty handed after slogging it out.
Some things have to give in this process, and so far I gave too much away on family side. Time to rebalance and sort put things that really aren't as important and exchange them for family!
Read an article recently about "not giving a fuck". It sounds crude, but it makes sense. Don't give a fuck to things and people that don't matter to you, those people very likely don't give a fuck on what you do for them or how you feel. Focus energy and time on a selected circle of people, people who care about your actions, your feelings and long term well-being.
I love you my dear dear and bibi
I feel super blessed each day you are by my side. I promise to be a good man.
